Getting DH on the same page...

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MamaPajama
Posts: 197
Joined: Thu Apr 15, 2010 10:22 pm

Getting DH on the same page...

Post by MamaPajama » Wed Jul 07, 2010 9:54 pm

For the most part DH is on board with homeschooling. He definitely sees my point of view on the cons of public school, so I think he figures HSing is a better option. And when it comes to choosing curricula, he's content to let me do the research and make the decisions (as long as it doesn't cost too much for his comfort level). Most of the time we don't really discuss teaching methods, even though I'm personally researching Charlotte Mason and reading related books constantly. Occasionally, though, he asks questions and he still really struggles with his public school mentality.

Tonight he started thumbing through the American Pioneers and Patriots book and said, "This doesn't look like the type of books we had as kids. It just looks like a bunch of stories." I explained to him the difference between text books and living books, and he sort of shrugged it off as if he weren't completely satisfied with my response, but wasn't going to argue. Then he started asking questions about how I was planning to grade DS' work this year. When I told him I didn't plan on using a grading scale, rather narration to gauge his learning, he really didn't seem comfortable at all. He asked how he can get a high school diploma someday if he doesn't get graded. Honestly I haven't looked that far ahead, so I'm not positive what our state regulations are, but I told him I was confident it could be done because at least 10 or 12 kids just graduated from our co-op this year.

I know DH will not take the time to read these books like I do, so how can I get him to trust that I'm making good decisions? I figure over time the proof will be in the pudding, but until then I'm afraid I will feel like he's constantly critiquing what we're doing during school hours.

kiloyd
Posts: 226
Joined: Fri Jul 25, 2008 2:19 pm

Re: Getting DH on the same page...

Post by kiloyd » Thu Jul 08, 2010 6:41 am

I don't know, but I am interested in answers. My dh is not totally on board with hsing either
Katherine
ds 9, Preparing
dd just turned 6, LHFHG
dd 3
and 15 mo old 3 days a week

inHistiming
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Re: Getting DH on the same page...

Post by inHistiming » Thu Jul 08, 2010 7:52 am

Well, after 4 years of homeschooling and having a dh who was skeptical at the beginning, I can give you a few words of encouragement. I have to admit, my dh had reason to be a skeptic. I had tried homeschooling twice before and quit both times because "it's too hard!" :oops: So when I approached him the third time, this time because I felt God directing me in that direction, he was instantly put off the idea. He did eventually agree to let me try it again, but I felt the same as you...as if I were always being critiqued and judged, examined. A lot of that was me I'm sure, but there was something going on with him too. I did my best to make sure we got through our days learning as much as possible, working especially hard to get my dd reading because that was the main issue we had to deal with at the time....it was one of the major reasons we needed to homeschool her. When it came time to do our annual testing I was a bit nervous, because I just wasn't sure. I doubted myself, ya know? However, both of my oldest children did wonderfully and their scores really helped to boost my dh's confidence in me and homeschooling. Each year we look at the test scores and each year we are happy with the result. There is always an area or two for each child that is a little 'weaker' than others, but don't we all have that? And honestly, their scores usually still reflect higher scores than their age level, even if they are weaker in some areas than others. This helps us to know where we need to concentrate more, and that's really all we use the scores for besides whatever the state requires for evaluation. This fall we will be starting our 5th year of homeschooling, and though my dh and I still have different ideas about some things (I try to accommodate him where possible...we are very textbook-ish with math and English) I have seen him come around. He is very much impressed with the results of our homeschooling, and he has seen and heard more now about the conditions of some of the public schools and has no desire to send our kids there. PTL! The proof is in the pudding! I would say try to accommodate your husband....grade whatever you can if that's what he wants. Math and english are easy to grade...I bought one of those grading cards at a school supply store and that's what I use. I feel confident that by the end of the school year he will have seen plenty of evidence of your dc's learning, even without grades. They will be excited about what they're learning...and will want to tell Dad about it. HOD may not be a traditional way of learning, but it is definitely effective. I don't think it will be possible for dh to miss it! And of course, keep prayer at the forefront, both for your homeschooling and God's direction, as well as for your husband to come fully on board. He hears the cries of His people! I hope this has been at least somewhat encouraging. I'm sure others will pop in with words of wisdom for you. I'm wishing you much success with this, and please let us know how it's going! :wink:

MomtoJGJE
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Location: Gastonia, NC

Re: Getting DH on the same page...

Post by MomtoJGJE » Thu Jul 08, 2010 7:54 am

1st grade is different from 5th grade is different from 9th grade is different from 12th grade. Things will change each year as you see where your child's strengths and weaknesses are. Dh was strung up on tests and grading, but I had him start asking questions about what they did in school. I also had him listen to DD read things and quiz her (in fun) with math...

He now can tell when she's learning versus when she's in a down cycle... (she cycles, not school... )

MomtoJGJE
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Re: Getting DH on the same page...

Post by MomtoJGJE » Thu Jul 08, 2010 7:56 am

Also, he's probably not remembering 1st grade! He's probably remembering middle or high school! As far as I know, we didn't have books other than handwriting or math really in first grade... the teachers taught us, we didn't read it and learn it ourselves! We did projects and crafts and posters and art, even in a traditional public school they don't have 1st graders reading textbooks and memorizing facts straight from the book!

psreit
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Location: Pennsyvania

Re: Getting DH on the same page...

Post by psreit » Thu Jul 08, 2010 8:43 am

inHistiming gave some good advice. My dh supports what I'm doing. I just wish he was more involved personally, but I know because of his work schedule, he can't be. I heard about CM years ago, but didn't fully understand it until I found HOD. I ordered the CM Companion book. When I read that, I will highlight parts that really catch my attention and will share them with dh, just so he understands what we are doing. When our older dc were hsing, we were basically stuck in the traditional mode. Did they ever miss out! :( I have been talking to my daughter-in-law about HOD. Maybe my grandkids will be using it :wink: Keep sharing things you learn with dh. Pray and be faithful in your work and trust God to show dh what he needs to know.

When you have time, look online for Seven Undeniable Truths of Homeschooling by Harvey Bluedorn. There you will find some great Scripture-based points to help reaffirm the decision to homeschool. :D
I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth. III John 4
Pam
dh 33 yrs
ds29 church planter in MA
dd27 SAH mom
dd26
dd 12
3 dgs(5,2, & born 6/15) & 2 dgd(3 & born 2/15)

MamaPajama
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Joined: Thu Apr 15, 2010 10:22 pm

Re: Getting DH on the same page...

Post by MamaPajama » Thu Jul 08, 2010 11:16 am

Thank you all. That is encouraging!

LynnH
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Re: Getting DH on the same page...

Post by LynnH » Thu Jul 08, 2010 1:27 pm

I have a few thoughts. My dh trusted me to pick out the curriculum when we started homeshooling last year for 5th grade ds, but I think he might have been wondering a little bit about using a "different" type of method. Some things that helped were a) he did school with my ds a few days and was amazed at all that we did in a day and how much my ds enjoyed it 2) We do use more textbook style for Math and Language Arts. 3) He read a book called 'Already Gone" by Ken Hamm that talks about why so many teens leave the church and Christianity never to come back. One of his big points is teaching biblical history tied in with secular history so that the child understands they are both true. Once my dh read this book he was so pumped to see that was exactly how HOD teaches history.

Another thought is my kids both went to public school and I was in the classroom a lot. In the younger years they get very little, if any history/social studies. Even Science is only a few weeks a year. So really you are giving them a much stronger grounding in those subjects than they would get in public school. As far as grades goes. Even in public school we heard over and over, don't stress about grades in elementary school, they don't count until high school. When you get to high school you can easily start giving grades. The subjects they take then lend themselves easily to grades.
Mom to:
dd 22 college graduate and employed as an Intervention Specialist
ds 18 US2, Loved Preparing, CTC , RTR , Rev to Rev, MTMM ,WG, WH and US1
http://www.graceandfur.blogspot.com/

water2wine
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Re: Getting DH on the same page...

Post by water2wine » Thu Jul 08, 2010 6:08 pm

My dh was not completely convinced when I started. He was for hsing but not convinced I would stick with it or that it might not be too much for me. A few things that really helped were that I shared the joys along the way. I learned early on not to share the frustrations until he was sold. :wink: And I prayed that God would convince him. It has been amazing what God has done. He has changed my dh's heart in so many ways. So just want to encourage you that as God calls you to this He will also clear the way for you as well. :D
All your children shall be taught by the LORD, and great shall be the peace of your children. Isaiah 54:13
~Six lovies from God~4 by blessing of adoption
-MTMM (HS), Rev to Rev, CTC, DITHR
We LOVED LHFHG/Beyond/Bigger/Preparing/CTC/RTR/Rev to Rev (HS)

my3sons
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 7:08 pm
Location: South Dakota

Re: Getting DH on the same page...

Post by my3sons » Thu Jul 08, 2010 7:35 pm

This is a topic near and dear to my heart. Here are a past few posts that may help, but know I have also prayed for you. :D
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=370&p=2607
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=5830
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=4929&p=36328

I have shared my heart in the posts above already, but a few things that have continued to help my dh to support homeschooling more and more looking back over the years... I pray for the Lord to help me homeschool in a way that brings Him glory - it is a vow I have made to Him that I have kept through the years by using HOD. I believe He honors me keeping Him in the center of our homeschooling by turning my dh's heart to homeschooling more and more. I know why I'm homeschooling now. My dh understands these goals cannot be met in any other way than homeschooling, and he has come to embrace those goals too. Homeschooling is more my thing - not my dh's - he is now finally happy I am homeschooling, but that doesn't mean he wants to be the substitute teacher, pick out books for the dc to read, or talk a lot about it. It helps if I'm confident about what I'm doing, and he probably really won't ever be all that interested in being a part of the decision-making process of homeschooling. He views that as a compliment to me - that he trusts me to make those decisions. He is not the person to share my difficult homeschooling days with - that just becomes his view of how the days are going overall then, which isn't an accurate picture anyway. If we are happy, the kids are doing well, and my role as his wife is going well, he's happy with our life - and he just sees homeschooling as part of that happy life. My earning an income is important to my dh, so I've always found ways to do that. If I need to get to an appointment, run an errand during the day, etc., it is up to me to find a way to do that without interrupting my dh's work schedule. Otherwise, he sees homeschooling as interfering with him doing his job well - and he's probably right. I love my dh dearly - but these are some things I've figured out the hard way - it's not like my dh handed me a checkoff list of these things when I began homeschooling, but I have come to realize these are the big ones for him. I hope that the Lord can help reveal how to make homeschooling be a positive thing in your dh's eyes over the years as well, but just remember it may take awhile! Our dh's are just worried. They love their dc so much, and they are leery of something they don't fully understand. Try not to take it personally - but just truly invest yourself in being a shining example of homeschooling/life being a joy - and he'll be bound to want it to continue. :D

Love in Christ,
Julie
Enjoyed LHTH to USII
Currently using USII, MTMM
Wife to Rich for 25 years
Mother to 3 sons, ages 20, 17, and 13
Author of Women's Devotional https://www.ebay.com/itm/293355757184
Blogger https://my3sons-julie.blogspot.com/
Sister to Carrie

sw1ssm1ss
Posts: 75
Joined: Sun May 30, 2010 9:06 pm

Re: Getting DH on the same page...

Post by sw1ssm1ss » Thu Jul 08, 2010 8:50 pm

Well, my dh actually teaches public school (though homeschooling was *his* idea), so I know quite well that students do not even get grades until 4th grade. They are assessed a fair amount, but their report cards would reflect something like "needs improvement," "satisfactory," or "exceeds expectations." You can look over the student's report card and see where they are struggling or need improvement, but there is no way to tell even if they are doing really, really well. And at the end of the year, they have Standards of Learning tests, from 3rd grade up. When they get that back, it's easier to 'see' where they are. I know this because I also work as a tutor, and one of my students got 100% on both of her SoL tests this year. :)

I think Julie also made several good points about sharing and not sharing our occasional homeschooling struggles with our husbands. I know that if my dh perceives something to be a "problem," he feels a strong need to provide a solution. That's him trying to take care of his wife and his family, of course. :) But if I don't really want that particular solution, it would be better for me not to share that burden with him. We had this situation when I used to work before I had kids. When I complained to him about one particular co-worker, he would say, "Then quit." That shocked me, because I knew it would make no sense to quit on a number of levels. After a bit, I realized it wasn't good for me to gripe to dh. Better to do that in an e-mail or on the phone to my mom, sister, best friend. They would then offer me sympathy or suggestions.

I will talk to my dh about on-going type situations with homeschooling, like when we got to the point where my daughter didn't seem to be able to progress with phonics at all. I feel blessed that certain things are quite understandable to him because he's an educator. But he's still not reading Charlotte Mason with me. :wink:
Married to beloved dh for 11 years
DD7 - Beyond
DS4.5 - all boy :)
DD2 - sweet, petite toddler fun

my3sons
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 7:08 pm
Location: South Dakota

Re: Getting DH on the same page...

Post by my3sons » Thu Jul 08, 2010 9:07 pm

Such good thoughts have been shared here already! :D I was also thinking that sometimes it's better to be vague. I used to try to tell others the details of homeschooling and usually that just brought up more skepticism and more hard to answer questions. How do you sum subjects like CM or grading up in a nutshell? I find it nearly impossible to do. :shock: Perhaps when your dh asks questions about grades, just briefly mention what the pp said and let him know the kids are doing great. If he persists, you can mention that grades are something classroom teachers do to share students' progress with the parents. In homeschooling, you are working with your dc every day year after year, so you know how they are doing. If he persists again, you can share portfolio assessments are a common way of assessing dc now. Many middle schools, high schools, and colleges use portfolio assessment, which is one method of assessment used in HOD. Grades can easily be assigned to portfolios too, and when dc are in high school, there are countless tips on how to make transcripts for homeschool students. Just let him know you're not worried. We're not the first people to homeschool - praise the Lord! :D Homeschooling is huge right now, so we have countless resources at our fingertips when high school comes around. Just be confident in what you are doing and that the kids are doing well, and be brief in your answers. No need to bring up other questions, and cheerful confidence really does go a long way to put fears to rest. :)

Also, it helped my dh see the dc's progress by me just hanging the kids' work on the fridge. It seemed to make a difference if I put a star or a sticker on the paper with a few positive comments. I know, not a big deal, but for some reason, dh associated that with "grades" and signs of doing well. Then, once and awhile during supper, I have a child get his paper and I show dh briefly the progress being made (i.e. Can you believe how much Riley's writing has improved? Or, Wyatt really wrote a wonderful narration today. Retelling what he's read in words is an important skill for him this year, and he's made huge progress with it.) Little snippets of signs of growth go a long way to ease our dh's mind about how things are going. I should say I do this showing of papers maybe once a week or even less. Otherwise, I think it would be overkill for dh. He does look at their things hanging on the fridge though now and then, and even that shows progress. HTH! :D

In Christ,
Julie
Enjoyed LHTH to USII
Currently using USII, MTMM
Wife to Rich for 25 years
Mother to 3 sons, ages 20, 17, and 13
Author of Women's Devotional https://www.ebay.com/itm/293355757184
Blogger https://my3sons-julie.blogspot.com/
Sister to Carrie

MamaPajama
Posts: 197
Joined: Thu Apr 15, 2010 10:22 pm

Re: Getting DH on the same page...

Post by MamaPajama » Thu Jul 08, 2010 9:28 pm

I'm glad to hear that I'm definitely not alone. While I do wish DH was more involved in our homeschooling, on the other hand I think maybe it's a blessing that I'm free to do what I feel is best with the kids. I agree with you ladies about sharing the negatives with DH. I too have done that in the past, and his response has usually been that maybe we need to just to public school. He doesn't understand that I'm just venting and not looking for an alternative solution. I 'get' that this is a man thing. :lol: Better for me to share frustrations with my homeschooling friends, I suppose.

kiloyd
Posts: 226
Joined: Fri Jul 25, 2008 2:19 pm

Re: Getting DH on the same page...

Post by kiloyd » Fri Jul 09, 2010 6:28 am

This was a very helpful post. Julie, you have such great words of wisdom.

We are finishing our 4 th yr of hsing and my dh is still not totally on board. He current thing is wanting ds to be around kids more and get friends in our town. I was first irritated, but now see that if that's what makes dh happy to continue hsing then I can make that happen.
Katherine
ds 9, Preparing
dd just turned 6, LHFHG
dd 3
and 15 mo old 3 days a week

my3sons
Posts: 10604
Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 7:08 pm
Location: South Dakota

Re: Getting DH on the same page...

Post by my3sons » Fri Jul 09, 2010 10:22 am

Thank you, Katherine! :D It's nice to know some of what my dh and I have figured out together over the years may be of benefit to another couple as we all travel this homeschooling road with one another. :)

In Christ,
Julie
Enjoyed LHTH to USII
Currently using USII, MTMM
Wife to Rich for 25 years
Mother to 3 sons, ages 20, 17, and 13
Author of Women's Devotional https://www.ebay.com/itm/293355757184
Blogger https://my3sons-julie.blogspot.com/
Sister to Carrie

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