How do you diffuse disgruntled Behavior?

[beckytrow]

Ok, I have some struggles, my wonderful daughter, every time I mention school, she gets all sad. I am trying to make it fun, but to no avail, she gets frustrated! Oh what do I do about this. Thanks so much moms!

[MomtoJGJE]

Grace does the same thing... I figure either she'll get over it or not. We do school either way and she cannot shed her grump all over the rest of us

[Molly]

I'm with Lora-Beth. Mind you, my grump is happy more often than not, it's just if she hasn't had enough sleep.

[mom23]

I think it's important to get to the bottom of why they're showing this frustration. Is she placed correctly? Is she able to handle the work and feel successful, with only a small portion of the guide being a challenge? Does she need to slow down for a time to allow her brain to process new information or just rest a bit before going on? Is there one particular subject that's too difficult, or she's not understanding? Sometimes a step away from that subject for a day or two, or a new approach on it will especially help. For example, if it's math you could take a couple of days to just play some games, or practice the skills in daily life (we have 2 parents and 4 kids in our family. How many plates do we need to put on the table?) A break from the workbook has worked wonders with my ds at difficult times. When we came back to it he breezed his way right through. We've also taken some reading breaks-having him read some really easy books, or fun things he enjoyed, or if he couldn't (because he was fairly early in TRL) we just went back and read some pages from earlier in the year and he could see how easy it felt and was encouraged to keep trying-on a different day!

With those questions out of the way-if you determine it's not an academic issue, then realize it is a character issue that you can address from that standpoint. Whatever you do to discipline in your home, do it. I was recently challenged to realize/remember that sometimes I do need to discipline my children for emotions that are inappropriate. Sometimes children use these to manipulate us or the situation to their own liking. For me it will often work to simply say, "You may not have that attitude about it. Go to your room until you are ready to come to school cheerfully and try your best." Then watch the clock-give them up to 5 minutes (or less if you wish) and say, "Okay, that's long enough. It's time for school now; you need to come happily." If they don't at that point, you'll need to have your discipline plan in place to be ready to follow through, so they learn that's not going to work.

[beckytrow]

Thanks Ladies!
I do believe Math moves very fast. I need to take a break from the book and just boost her addition and subtraction skills. Other than that, once we start, she is fine. She just doesn't want to do it. It is just the spirit of Defiance. If you can call that. Also, she is very smart. She enjoys school very much! It is just a knee jerk reaction.

[glperky]

Well, what we do here is basically what Mom23 does. I tell my DS that he needs to go sit in the hall and work on his heart and pray that God will help him have a pretty heart. He gets to decide when he gets up and comes to do his school work, just like I get to decide when I am going to change my poor attitude. It usually doesn't take my youngest very long, a minute or two. My 7 yo, well a little longer. They have to come back in the room with a smile on their face and get to work. They usually have pretty hearts after that!

[mom23]

I once read wonderful advice on here to just sit and have a good talk with your child-not during the confrontation, but maybe in the evening with Daddy, or after school. Whenever works best...anyway, to just explain that school for her life right now is her job. The whole family has a responsibility-Mommy works everyday to keep the house clean, do the laundry, feed the family; Daddy goes to work every day, doing ____ to provide for the familiy; and she does school. It's part of growing up. Small children get to play all day, but once you get to be a big kid like her, you do school work everyday; and, just like Daddy does it willingly for his family, so she must do her job willingly as well. Maybe something like that would help? It almost sounds like she just would rather play. Have to admit that so would I! But, since that's not an option, maybe you could somehow try to make her see the importance of what she's doing-like a privelege, and a part of growing up that everyone has to do.

[amarie]

I was looking on this board for advice on this topic...I am frustrated because when I confront an attitude or behavior during school, my child is one of those that can't/won't let the confrontation pass...so much so that the rest of school time feels like a waste of time for me because he spends the rest of the time angry and can't control himself enough to be able to think about our lessons. Then I feel frustrated because it feels like a wasted day and we're backed up another day. He often starts off our mornings verbally hating school (I hate homeschool and I wish I could go to public school), complaining of not getting to play after just a half hour of work (we usually don't start until 9:30, so he has had all morning to play), offering plenty of glares and arguing with each new assignment. I am not sure what is appropriate discipline/consequences. I don't know whether to ignore the glares and complaining or really put a stop to it, and I am not good at providing appropriate accountability in general. We've not had a problem with this before this year, but it has lasted about the whole year. Obviously I'm not doing something right! Could you pray for me? My husband and I are considering our schooling options, of whether public school really would be better for him.

Amy

[Molly]

Amarie, how old is your son? Is there anything else going on that makes him frustrated/angry? Have you asked him when he is calm, what it is he doesn't like about schooling?

[daybreaking]

I was looking on this board for advice on this topic...I am frustrated because when I confront an attitude or behavior during school, my child is one of those that can't/won't let the confrontation pass...so much so that the rest of school time feels like a waste of time for me because he spends the rest of the time angry and can't control himself enough to be able to think about our lessons. Then I feel frustrated because it feels like a wasted day and we're backed up another day. He often starts off our mornings verbally hating school (I hate homeschool and I wish I could go to public school), complaining of not getting to play after just a half hour of work (we usually don't start until 9:30, so he has had all morning to play), offering plenty of glares and arguing with each new assignment. I am not sure what is appropriate discipline/consequences. I don't know whether to ignore the glares and complaining or really put a stop to it, and I am not good at providing appropriate accountability in general. We've not had a problem with this before this year, but it has lasted about the whole year. Obviously I'm not doing something right! Could you pray for me? My husband and I are considering our schooling options, of whether public school really would be better for him.

Amy

If I were in your shoes, I would not consider sending your son to school. It might diffuse the situation at home, however, it won't lead to a heart change, but instead would simply mask the problem. I definitely would not ignore the behavior, but at the same time, you don't necessarily always need to give a consequence. What has worked extremely well for us is the the use of a break. It's similar to time out, except that the child stays in the break as long as needed for a heart change. That could mean 10 seconds or it could mean 30 minutes; it's up to the child. Plus, whereas time out is punitive, a break is not. Basically, I'll say to my son, "You're not showing honor right now. You need to take a break until your heart is in the right place." When he returns, we do what's called a positive conclusion. I'll ask him what he did wrong, why it was wrong and what he is going to do differently next time. Then, I'll encourage him with something like, "Great! I know you're going to have a good attitude when we work. I'm rooting for you." One of the things I like about the break is that is stops the cycle of confrontation and it gives us both a fresh start. I also like how the whole process is implemented positively, in the sense that I project to my son that I am here to help him mature and the break is a tool we're using to help in that regard. The concept of a break is simple, but it has revolutionized our home. (Disclaimer - This isn't my original idea; we got the idea of a break from books written by Scott Turansky.)

Another idea we've used is a daily report card. My husband designed a sheet that has room for all of the areas of homeschooling. During the day, my son fills out how long each area took, how his attitude was and how well he did his work. (His attitude is graded "E" for excellent, "S" for satisfactory, "N" for needs improvement, and "U" for unacceptable.) It only takes a few seconds, but it gave my son ownership over his work and behavior and it allowed my husband to review the day with my son each evening. That accountability took a load off of my shoulders and made a huge difference in my son's approach to his day. Usually, my husband just discusses the report with my son, but occasionally, he's removed some privileges as a consequence. Using the report card has also made me realize that my son needed to see his progress in black and white. Nagging was very ineffective, but seeing an "N" on his report was very clear to him. Now that we've been using this for awhile, my son approaches his days with excitement, hoping to get all "E's" on his report so he can proudly show Daddy at night.

[twolittlebears]

This thread has been such a blessing to me! My DS7 falls right into this category some days too. I often feel setback in our day. The breaks and report cards are being implemented tomorrow! I can't wait to see if that helps my little one's heart. Thank you for all this great advice!

[Molly]

Daybreaking, thank you for sharing that. I will remember that, as I have occasional issues with DS7. Thank you so much.

[TrueGRIT]

I have a son like this. We have been doing a report card, but not on a daily basis. Just giving dad an oral report daily. It really does help my ds to know that Dad & I are in this together. Seeing the 'marks' really plays a big part as well. I think we may start doing it more often than we have been.
I don't allow bad behavior to continue. It depends on his reasoning behind his attitude for the day as to how I deal with it for that day. Sometimes it's a heart problem, others a laziness issue. Still other days a bad day, difficult part of school, etc. You get my drift I'm sure. I decide ahead of time what I will put up with, and what I will do, so that when it happens I am not making a decision based on feelings.
It also helped when my public educated husband spoke very plainly to my son about what it was really like to go to ps. That really changed his mind.

Give the report card a try, whether you do it daily, weekly, or monthly. I think it will help. Hope you get other ideas as well.