DD in tears over biography - what should I do?

[parjackson7]

Here's a little info about our DD before we get to the problem...We adopted our daughter as an infant almost 9 years ago. She is African American, we are as pasty white as you can get. We have always been very open about her adoption story and that her birth mother chose us, we send info to her, etc.

I placed several books in front of DD the other day, asking her which biography she wanted me to read with her for Bigger. She was overjoyed to pick a story about a girl who had brown skin like she does (the book is Phillis Wheatley: Young Revolutionary Poet). Now, we have talked briefly about slavery being a very ugly part of American history, so the beginning of the story shouldn't have caused her to have tears streaming down her face when we were on page 2 of the book. I didn't realize the story upset her so much until I felt her warm tears dropping into my arm. I immediately stopped reading and tried to gently talk to her about what was bothering her, but she clammed up and just let those crocodile tears stream out of her beautiful brown eyes.

I told her that Phillis Wheatly became an important person in American history and that we would be missing a very good story about a courageous, young woman if we stopped reading. I'm trying to leave the decision up to her, but I don't want to sugar-coat history and tip-toe around the subject of slavery (even though I wish with all my heart that it never happened).

Any advice on how to handle this subject? It was only our first day of Bigger and I don't want this experience to taint her regard for the program.

[3sweeties]

What a sweet, sensitive little girl you have!!!

If I were in your shoes, I would just tell her that you are here for her and ready to listen when and if she is ready to talk about what exactly in the book made her cry. I would also ask if she still wants to read the book after a day or two, maybe? If she really doesn't want to, I wouldn't push it, I would just choose another biography, either one you have on hand or from the library. You may find that she may be ready for it when she is a little bit older. HTH a little!

[Jessi]

I agree with 3sweeties. Let her read it when she is ready for it. What a sweet girl she must be. We are looking at adopting transracially and I wonder about situations like this. I hope your daughter opens up to you about what she is thinking and feeling.

[BrooklynsMom03]

Our little ones that come to our family thru adoption....come with a different history than our birth children...even when they come as newborns...and when they also are from a different race...it can be more traumatic for their hearts than I ever realized it would be...Our little girl was born in Guatemala...and we were not ....We have done lots of adoption work with her as far as talking ...doing some trauma therapy...for her little heart...and she is just now getting to the point...of being able to really express different things she is feeling...She is 8...I think this is a really significant time in developement and when they start trying to put the pieces of their lives together...I have noticed my daughter using different language than she has used in the past...she is beginning to really claim her story...and I love watching her interactions as her confidence in who she is in CHRIST is really developing....she will proudly talk about being born in Guatemalan and that she her skin is Guatemalan skin...and she is proud of that...she use to not be that confident...It sounds like your daughter might have been experiencing a sense of loss ....and the book was reinforcing that and stirring up feelings she had inside already? Our little ones can experience so much grief and try to hide it from us...so as not to hurt our feelings...not sure if your daughter does this but I know before my daughter learned how to get those feelings out she really struggled with *overfeeling* some things...even when they were little...she felt them big.....I hope your daughter is able to share with you soon how reading the book was affecting her heart....and what she was feeling....it is so important for our daughter to get those *big feelings* out so she can process them and see them more realistically...Beth in Idaho

[parjackson7]

Thank you so much for your gracious replies. DD came to me a couple hours after my OP and asked how many more pages of the book we were supposed to read that day. I told her there were just a few. She asked me to go ahead and read them to her. I told her we didn't have to read it if it upset her too much. I also told her I would read the entire book and warn her ahead of time when I thought something might upset her so we could talk about it and be more prepared. She agreed to that and listened to the rest of Monday's reading and yesterday's reading as well.

After reading the book on my own, I believe there are a couple other sections that may upset her and I have marked them so we can discuss them prior to reading them.

She is a very sweet and sensitive child. She can also bark out orders to her younger siblings with the finesse of a drill sergeant .

I know there are some adoption issues lurking beneath the surface that she is not ready to discuss. I am going to open up the topic after she completes her school work for the day. Please pray for God's guidance throughout that conversation. My heart aches with love for her, and I never want her to doubt or feel discouraged about her adoption. She is an incredible blessing to all of us and I pray that God will help her to see that.

Thank you so much for your help.

I haven't "talked" with any other adopters on the HOD board before, so it's wonderful to know that I can share these special parenting challenges with others who will understand.

Hugs and blessings to you all!

[mamas4bugs]

We adopted our youngest daughter when she was 12 days old. She has beautiful Hispanic coloring--and we do not. Her brothers are blond haired and blue-eyed. My boys do not seem to "see" color--I once had my oldest son point one of his friends out to me by describing the clothes the boy was wearing. The child was the only African American child in the group of boys, but my son didn't use that as a descriptor. He said "the boy in the red shirt." My younger son is the same way.

So it surprised me when my precious little 4 year old came up to me the other day and asked to take a bath. She held up her little arm and said, "I want to wash the brown off so I'm pink like you." I gave her a big hug and tried to explain that she was exactly like God had made her, and so was I. We didn't need to try and make ourselves the same color.

I guess it's easier to "see" the differences when you're the one who's different.

Bless your little one's sensitive heart! I'm glad you and she talked it out. I pray that your adoption conversation goes well.

[countrymom]

I have adopted two children of different ethnicity, and I believe you are doing the right thing. Adoption issues do rise up at times and "alter the scenery" so to speak. Your daughter is fortunate to have a sensitive, loving mother. I'll pray your talk goes well, but bear in mind it will be a process over the years.

[parjackson7]

I just finished talking with DD and she had a lot of tears to cry. She wondered if we had "bought" her in the way that Phillis Wheatly was purchased as a slave. She felt like her birth mother didn't want her and sent her away or sold her to us. It was a great relief to be able to soothe those fears and concerns with a letter written by her birth mother shortly after the adoption.

Little R's wheels are still spinning and I know that there are more things to talk about on the horizon. God was in the midst of our conversation and tears. Thank you for your prayers. She seems to be doing much better.

I'm concerned that the part of Phillis Wheatly when the other servant tells Phillis that she's going to be sold if she doesn't start working harder might bring up the fears again. I will be discussing that portion of the book with her prior to reading.